$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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