Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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