mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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