the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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