Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
