This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
