He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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