I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
sex in a hospital.. check
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
