Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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