He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize