Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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