...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
