i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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