I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize