His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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