I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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