I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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