so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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