I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
