so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
