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I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
