I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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