If i come over, it means nothing
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
