are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize