I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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