Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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