All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I feel great
I just peed on a car
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
