Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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