I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
