i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
