i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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