at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
