Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
