how can u be prego again
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
