I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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