Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
