Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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