Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
