you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
porn star boner night. come get it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
