Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
