Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
