just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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