Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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