Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Michael Bay diarrhea
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
