I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
