I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
