saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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