Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
