Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We have started to decorate penises.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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