hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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