Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
