When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you didnt know i had herpes?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
