Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
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