he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
