It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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