A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
