Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
