So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Girls should come with a carfax report
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
