my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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