She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
