ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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