I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
