Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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