Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
