I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
